Available – $88

Associated vase, Poseidon’s Adventure, tells the tale of Zeus’ younger brother, a power hungry father, a bad case of food poisoning that wasn’t from Taco Bell – but watch out for those diet supplements, the consequences of eating babies, a family conflict fit for Jerry Springer, and a god who must now be shaking his head at what we have done to our water.

All hail Lord Poseidon! And a new tale of the dysfunctional gods of old.

Poseidon had a very unappetizing start to his life. His father ate him. At least he didn’t like his babies cooked. It was not that Cronos singled him out. He also ate all of his sibling, except one that his mother Rhea managed to save – Zeus. Rhea managed to save him by replacing baby Zeus with a rock.

As a result, Poseidon and his siblings spent most of their childhood in their father’s stomach. There the children would settle for the latest partially digested food Cronos had eaten. The children developed a great appetite for wine and other rich foods from infancy. The effects of their childhood alcohol dependency may explain some of their behaviour as an adult.

Taking trips through the digestive track to try to escape was also a really crappy experience, that unfortunately never succeeded. Birthdays were pretty grim for the children, but one time Poseidon was lucky enough to come across a half eaten lobster. That must have started his life long love affair with all things naval – not to be confused with the inside of Cronos’ navel which they pounded upon hoping to escape.

Now, Cronos didn’t eat his children to be mean. In fact under other circumstances, he may have been a great father. If only there had not been that prophecy that his children would usurp him.

Æons later…

Poseidon and his siblings would remain in their father’s stomach until Zeus came of age. Zeus was full of anger and resentment towards his father after spending his childhood with a goat. When he tried to talk to the goat, the goat kept butting into the conversation, which was really baa-d for his social development.

Eventually Zeus would procure an herbal potion that would make Cronos dislodge his children from his stomach in this rather attractive vessel known as ‘Herbal Magic’. I wonder if the company by the same name uses this ancient weight loss formula.

All of the children were then expelled from their father’s stomach in the order they were eaten. The siblings would eventually go on to defeat their father who was chief amongst the Titans and divide the spoils. Poseidon would become the lord of the sea, and one of the most important gods of the ancients and a fondness for tinkering with genetics.

And for those looking to drop a few pounds? Herbal Magic would be a very effective brew, so long as you eat healthy and exercise. And don’t mind projectile vomiting.

Next week, we will look at the story of Cronos, the chief of the gods of old and his origin story, which until now has been shrouded in mists of time.