It’s A Wonderful Life

I start writing this particular blog post with self doubt and perhaps some shame. I often find it a challenge to write openly about my own challenges and struggles, even though this is what makes me human.

I was blessed to have a wonderful Christmas season, surrounded by people who love and care for me, but in there was a misty moment. This was my first Christmas as an orphan, and no matter how I tried to pack my schedule to keep busy, my thoughts would turn to this.

The moment that really got me was watching a movie that was a long standing Christmas tradition in my biological family of origin – ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’. Perhaps I should have known better than watching this movie, but in retrospect, I feel there was a part of me that longed for connection to moments long gone by.

“Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings”

Contrary to the message of the movie, I was not feeling up to the task of being surrounded by people (regardless of how lovely they are), when I could barely hold back my own tears. So needless to stay I did not go to the Christmas dinner I had planned to. Grief seems to have a nasty habit of coming up when it is least convenient.

Ironically, ham was on the dinner menu for the Christmas meal I missed.

Moving through the days since Christmas has been a challenge where sometimes my emotions come from nowhere and overtake me, but I have decided to try to give myself the space to feel whatever is coming up.

I have been thinking that there must be something wrong with me and what I am feeling. That somehow I must be broken for having feelings of depression so many months later. Shouldn’t it be time for me to get over it by now? Am I just weak? Broken? And what is up with these tears that well up in my eyes and don’t want to come out?

In the last few days I have been taking some time to reflect on my experience and the different stages of grief and to do a little research to make sure I am not totally losing it. I was not surprised to learn that depression is a part of grief, and often it does occur many months later after such things as shock, guilt, pain and anger.

Sadly I could not get my cat Chairman Meow into all of these poses during our photo shoot.

It is also interesting that grief does not follow some predictable path. Among my experiences I have also been working through my grief and pain, planning for the future and have experienced moments of hope and acceptance. I am realizing that experiencing and feeling depression is a part of the healing process. The human ability to heal and my own journey reminds me that ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ and my greatest gift this holiday season was my own resilience. Even though I am no angel, I am still looking for my wings. It will be time to fly again soon. Maybe they are under the disco ball:

Was there someone that your thoughts turned to this holiday season that you lost? How did you deal with the experience?


  1. It’s completely normal to feel depressed …….and it’s true that realisation hits after months.
    But it’s just a phase…… You will be fine and will do much better for sure. Best of luck❤❤

    1. Thank you for your kind comment and reminder! I believe you are right. Sometimes the fog lasts for a few ideas, but I am blessed that it always clears enough for me to see there is light ahead. Wishing you an amazing weekend ahead!

  2. I so enjoyed reading about this experience for you because I can relate. Your words are so beautifully written with both sadness and humor. Yes, being resilient is something to be celebrated and good for you to recognize that, cheers! I have been divorced almost 1p yrs now and I was a stay at home Mom for 12. My boys live primarily with my ex-husband and our split was very messy. So much do that I moved far away to a different region of the country to start my life over again and heal. Needless to say that it’s impacted my relationships my my 2 sons deeply. They are 14 and 18 now and we don’t get to spend the holidays together. Over the yrs some holidays are more painful than others but I know that in time we will get to be together again and relive our traditions. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in this post😊

    1. Thank you so much for sharing such a kind comment and your story! I hope you are celebrating your own resilience! I know from past experience a messy split can do a real number on someone, but it sounds like you are building a better life and holding the space for the time when your sons will be able to relive those special traditions and create new memories with your sons. I wish you and yours much healing and lots of joy for 2020!

  3. Your “from the heart” writing touches me and reminds me of how difficult it was (and still is) to get through the many moments and occasions that remind me of my mother (also my father, but my mother in particular). Christmas is a tough one. She passed away unexpectedly in 2005 and Christmas has never been the same for me since. The only Christmas tree I have allowed myself to enjoy is one she made by hand from different glass beads, lit from the inside by a string of lights. I light this tree every day of the year because it gives me comfort. I hope in time that you will find comfort in memories, because in the end, that’s all we are left with, even though I strongly feel her presence deep inside. Take all the time you need because it’s your journey and there is no right or wrong on how long you are supposed to grieve. I wish you a beautiful and peaceful New Year and hope you will continue to express your emotions in your beautiful art. You are very lucky to have that gift.

    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful and kind comment Karen and for telling me a little bit about your experience. That tree your mother made sounds beautiful and I can see why it is a cherished treasure that plays a part in your life everyday. There is much beauty in that. It is a tough lesson, but it is finally sinking in, that I have to be patient and just go with the flow of grief and healing and let it happen as it does. I really appreciate you reaching out and sharing with me. It really helps to know that others struggle with this. I somehow feel less alone. I hope you have a wonderful New Year filled with much joy and happiness.

  4. You are not alone. My mom has been gone for nearly 9 years and this is the first year that I’ve been able to look back and smile at my memories of her. I went through a depression like you are/were. It comes and goes at the oddest times. Sometimes, in the midst of my happiest moments, I well up and cry years of sadness, because she isn’t sharing it with me. I now am realizing that she does share every joy and trial with me even more than when she was alive. I know words are trite, but just know that other people share your grief. It is normal. My love and prayers are with you.

    1. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and kind wishes. It is comforting to know that others share similar experiences. The oddness of the timing is taking some time to adjust to. I am figuring out how to deal with it when it comes up. So for now, I am just being in those moments and trying not to judge myself for them. It is a humbling experience, but one I am trying to embrace rather than push away. In those moments I just don’t have the energy to push it away and I have decided that is okay. Thank you for the comfort, encouragement, prayers and love. Wishing you much happiness in 2020 and of course love!

  5. My Father passed away 29 years ago just before Christmas, so how long does it take to stop the grieving process. As I release my own thoughts as I heal, memories tucked away just pop up. I feel a close presence from him during certain days but also ones with no specific memory just a rememberance. My Father’s spirit draws close to me during my difficult times, I can see him now as I write. These times will always be there as they are strong love connections which are eternal.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story and experience. I see a lot of beauty in your post as I do feel that we do have strong soul connections with our ancestors who have passed after being a part of our life. I am having a lot of memories pop up lately, particularly during the holidays. Sometimes I say things and I hear my mother in my words. I am working on focusing in on the happier memories, but it is usually the silly moments that come up 😉 I hope you have a wonderful weekend and thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment. I feel spoiled to have people like you and others here on wordpress to connect with!

      1. Thank you for your kind comments too. I often find my self saying phrases like you do and they are amusing makes me laugh. Spirit does have a sense of humour and also knows how to shift our mood, drawing close to draw you out. Many of the connections on here appear just when you need them, they are so timely.

      2. Spirit has a wonderful habit of making magic from nothing or the seemingly mundane, and for me wordpress has been a pretty magical place and it is all because of the magical people here. You are so right in that what we need often comes along out of the blue. I hope you are having a magically serendipitous weekend!

      3. After reading your comment I remembered sometimes the tears which flow come from those who have past. The love they missed and their emotions flow through us in tears especially when the tears hurt deeply.

        My father dedicated this to me

        I share this with you as I feel it is has the words you are looking for.

      4. Thanks for sharing the video, but unfortunately I can not see it, as the link is not working for me. I am not sure why?
        That is an interesting observation that some of the tears of grief are from the one who passed. I can feel that for sure!

  6. If you can type it, probably you should, and you did so wonderfully. Don’t be hard on yourself. Frankly, the spirit for that day died for me. I give to those 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000whom (Lil’ Murph typed that, I’m going to leave it here for you : )
    anyway, as I was typing … still means something to. Besides, sadly, sometimes society needs an excuse to find the time to be together, life is short. We often regret things we didn’t do more than the things we did do.

    1. Does Lil’ Murph know binary? LOL I had to check out his picture again on your site and he is a very cute creature! I really appreciate that you and lil Murph took the time to comment. I agree with you that some of the biggest regrets come from the things we do not do, and I appreciate the reminder. I need to find my balance between honouring my feelings and doing. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and pass along this message for lil Murph 101010000111000000 😉

      1. I wouldn’t put it passed him, he’s a wee wise one indeed! He does, after all, do a lot of observing. Thank you, he’s so photogenic! We hope the same for you. Murph was excited to get closer to the screen as we sat before your post, perhaps to approve of the comment. He replies with
        01101000 01101001

      2. Who know that one of the lizard languages was binary! I don’t know much about your magical creatures, but your blog and experiences you share have opened my heart to the possibility of the right lizard walking into it 😉 Not sure how my dog feels about that, but I won’t tell her! Pass along a 1001000111 01010 for magical Murph 😉

      3. Thank you for that! That means so much because that is an important goal, to show the beauty & love lizards have & are capable of. I hope Murph & the others have caused smiles & warmed many hearts. I’ll be sure to pass that along. : )

  7. Keep this post, look at it again next Christmas, see how you feel then. The pain will be there,, still but duller.
    I lost my dad on Christmas Day, it would be 7 years ago now. Just that it happened on that particular day means it is unforgettable.

  8. We lost Granny Hazel last year and Grandma Jean back in 2015. Of course, the children are too young to grieve. But they aren’t too young to remember and we do this by playing/wearing her earrings that she was photographed in on her only visit to the U.K. when the girls were just 2 years old. Sadly she never met her other 3 (biological) grand children. It is so much easier being 6 almost 7 when it comes to loss and love. I do feel for your loss. But you will always feel that love.

  9. For me losing my mom was rough and I learned that it’s completely normal to experience this. It helped me to realize that it’s our experience of our own thinking and not anything that happened. There’s really nothing that you have to do. And that has given me so much relief.

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am finding the same thing and the trick is to move through it the best you can in gratitude for what you still have and with what you can learn from the past. I hope you have a beautiful weekend!

  10. Thanks for sharing this. It’s a Wonderful Lifes has always been a staple holiday movie in our family, too. I always miss my grandmothers at Thanksgiving. They both loved the occasion, and they both died close to that holiday as well, so I remember their smiling, laughing faces and culinary contributions as well as the pain of losing them. Grieving is part of life and it comes and goes, like you said, sometimes at inopportune times.

  11. Thank you for sharing! It is always hard to work through the holidays when there are loved ones missing. My friend admitted to me that part of the process is being real with yourself and making sure you aren’t snuffing out those feelings. I really enjoyed reading your thoughts and hope you are well.

  12. I wish you would’ve reached out to me during this time… because I, too, was grieving. Your transparency is brave. The annoying part about grief is that we will visit each stage, more than once. You’re not broken my friend. You’re grieving because you loved and lost… and all of that is courageously beautiful.

  13. Everyone processes grief differently. This Christmas marked a year since my beloved older son suddenly stopped speaking to me. I still don’t know what happened. I could not be around a bunch of people asking where he was, so I went with my spouse to a cabin, where I could walk around in nature in peace. You be you, and treasure your memories.

  14. I still well up when we talk about my mom and dad . Mom passed on 13 years ago and dad 5 years ago. You will wear your feelings on your sleeve for a long time. Remember the good times and focus on the good times now and coming . Hugs

  15. Thank you for sharing this.
    So heartfelt and honest!
    I am so very sorry for the loss of your father and in your days of sadness, I hope you also have days of joy remembering him and your days together.
    Your post helps me this morning as I try to move about my morning and all I can think about is my sister who is no longer with me and the tears come and I am so sad and also depressed.
    My sister died on Dec31st , 2018 and 2019 was the worst year of my life.
    My sister was my best friend and I know that I will always miss her and also grieve for her but with much love comes great grief.
    The depression is hard for me and I have decided to get help as there are days I barely cope and that is not good for me or my family.
    I know my sister would be very unhappy to see me in such a bad way and I feel her presence and I know she is telling me to get help.
    Dec was always a very hard month for me as my dad died on Dec 10th and my mom died on Dec 26th.
    I think the reality is that we will grieve forever, we will not get over great loves and losses but we can heal and rebuild ourselves around the losses we have suffered.
    We can be whole again but we will never be the same.

    You are far from broken as you work through your grief and depression.
    I think it those who do not grieve that are the broken ones!

    I am hoping that next Christmas will be a magical time for you and you can be with your family for Christmas dinner and share much joy together.

    “Weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
    That is from Psalm 30:5

    Be strong, be brave as you journey on through this process of grief and acceptance!
    I wish you joy and peace, always !

  16. You are so right that grief has no set path. I lost my mom 20 years ago, and Christmas is still hard. I think it always will be because she was the center of it. I have some years that I am able to cope better than others. This past holiday season went well for me, and I think it’s because I actively planned activities with people I love that I looked forward to. I’m grateful that I had more joy than grief this time around. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step, and I can see through your art and writing you are doing that. Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts — you are not alone!

    1. Thank you so much for your very kind comment and wishes. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

      1. Today is a good day! Even in spite of the freezing rain 😉 Look forward to checking out more of your posts!

      2. My pleasure. I just checked out your latest post and made a comment. I really love that you posted such comprehensive and great information to help breakdown the stigma related to mental health!

      3. That is great! I will have to head over and check it out a little later 😉

  17. The holidays always seem to bring to mind those you’ve lost over the years- and the added general stress of them doesn’t help. Don’t beat yourself up.

    1. Thanks. That is good advice for the holidaze and beyond! Hope you are doing well and having a fun and creative trip. Are you counting down the sleeps until your big trip yet!

      1. Not quite yet- it is beginning to dawn on me tho I only have a couple months left to learn Francais and get as many art projects as possible done 😳

      2. Just a few months to learn a whole language? You are ambitious! My french is pretty sad and has deteriorated much over the years – not that it was great in the first place. Bonne Chance mon amis!

  18. If we don’t grieve, then they didn’t mean much. It is because they were so integral and important, embedded in our lives, that we grieve our losses. I do think that we ought eventually to let them become part of our present celebrations, enjoying their memories and keeping alive their presence in the meaning of our holidays through the telling of anecdotes, displaying their ornsments, or any other way.

    1. I also think part of grief is processing relationships that have come to a natural conclusion in some regard and trying to learn from those relationships and carry those lessons forward and enhancing current relationships. And you are absolutely right, that grieving is more of a challenge when that is a closer relationship that had lots of meaning. Thank you so much for such a positive and encouraging comment!

  19. Much love to you, thank you for sharing your feelings, it is comforting to know you and others are out there. I’m learning grief is something that I’ll always carry, and most days that’s ok. It keeps our person close to our hearts. I’m also learning there is a lot wrapped up in grief that has nothing to do with the actual grief itself. All the shrapnel of life. That has been the hardest part for me, the leftovers. But you are so right, it’s a wonderful life, and it’s the only one we’ve got. Hugs to you.

    1. Hugs to you Doree! First let me say much love to you and to thank you for being a blessing on my journey of healing and in my grief. Knowing that others are out there is very meaningful to me! You are right that there is a part of grief that is not about the person at all, the leftovers, the shrapnel, the I should haves, the regrets, but amongst all that there is the beauty of the good memories and for me, more and more the beauty of the imperfection of my humanity and that of others that is the reality of most relationships. I am learning to treat myself and view those I lost with more compassion and love. It’s A Wonderful Life when we can let the light in (and even when we can’t!)
      I hope you are having a wonderful and amazing weekend!

      1. Thank you, so very much ♥️. The ‘imperfection of my humanity’ is exactly what I’m learning to love. You are a brilliant soul, a very bright light!

        It’s a snowy Saturday here, it’s beautiful. Hope yours is just as beautiful :).

      2. Today we are having freezing rain and ice pellets here, yesterday all our snow melted and it was 11C. Crazy weather weekend, but it allows me to catch up on some things around the house 😉 Enjoy the beauty of your winter wonderland!

  20. Sincere writing. I guess all family occasions present themselves with the same challenge…that you are going to miss those that are not with us. Its important to remember our loved ones and over time it does get easier to cope with. But more importantly one should also look forward and live for the ones who are with us today.

    1. Thanks for the beautiful reminder to look forward and live life for those who are with us. I think in processing grief we are able to enhance those relationships by learning from those relationships where we have lost someone. Perhaps that is the best way to honour their memory? THank you so much for your meaningful comment and I hope you are havign a wonderful weekend!

    1. Thank you for such a kind comment. I hope you are well and are having a wonderful weekend!

  21. This was such a touching piece. Grief is something that surfaces again and again, in many different stages and ways. But, I saw a quote today, which I really liked. It was, “grief is an expression of love.” I strongly believe in that. I’m sending you the best of wishes, along with virtual hugs!

    1. Thanks for sharing that beautiful quote, and I believe that is very true. Thank you so much for the virtual hugs! Sending some your way and wishes for a beautiful weekend as well!

  22. Please do not think of yourself as broken or weak. It hurts when we lose someone we love. Time helps making the pain less often but it does not get rid of the love we feel for them or how much we miss them and that hurts. I lost my mom 20 years ago this year to cancer, I still have times where I feel lost and depressed, but now I have more times of memories that bring a smile than the tears. I lost my youngest son 9 1/2 years ago and tears do still flow, but I have memories that make me laugh or smile now and that wasn’t possible for a few years. Holidays like Christmas, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Birthdays, may bring the sorrow closer to the surface, so be aware of dates when you start feeling depressed, it may help you realize why you are feeling depressed. I find it helpful to find a place where I can be alone and cry. Crying is beneficial, it releases our stress hormones through the tears, that is why we usually feel better after a good cry. I prefer to cry by myself, some people can cry in public but that is hard for me to do, well the tears may come but I try to turn or walk away. We all mourn in our own ways. But do not think you are weak or broken, grief is a natural and difficult process and it progresses differently and presents differently with everyone, so don’t think you need to be done with it after a few months, or a year or even after several years. The immense grief is normal at first but it does come less often with time, so be patient with and take care of yourself. You are normal, honest.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story and experience in an honest and heartfelt way! I really appreciate your insights and reassurances. I am one of those people who prefers to cry by myself. It may sound silly, but I close the currents in my room and make a little next of pillows and put on some music 😉 I need to let go and have a good cry. I have not done so since the early days many months ago. I find often when I am welling up with tears others are around so I collect myself. Next time I need to go to my pillow cocoon.
      Thanks for sharing your wisdom. I feel blessed to have people like you and others here who I can learn from. I hope you have a wonderful and beautiful weekend.

  23. I think Christmas and New Year are an emotional time for everyone. Pretty intense time of year where feelings come to the fore. I think the best Christmases are as a child when you believe in Santa and there are presents under the tree. Life changes with bereavements and break ups. I kind of wish there were more Christmas retreats where you could just go and chill out. 🙂

    1. You are right in that there is magic in those childhood Christmas moments! I love the idea of a Christmas ‘retreat’ where you can just go and chill. It sounds like an appealing idea I will have to explore next year. I could see that bringing some of that magic back! Thank you for your comment and I wish you a wonderful weekend!

  24. Pat Bertram’s blog reminded me that there are people who understand grief and will not judge me for my ongoing struggle. I grieve for a sibling who suicided in early December, many years ago. Each December since then has been a variation of those five cats you included above. 🙂 Last December I printed a particularly helpful blog post and reread it until I stopped feeling shame. Good on you for writing about your own experience. Grief’s natural, and when you (and those around you) accept and allow the flow of feelings, it gets a bit easier. <3

    1. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your brother and the circumstance which I can only imagine the feelings that may come up around that. I have already been a number of those cats too and I guess what I am learning is that I need to embrace my feelings and let them come up without judging myself. I am starting to be able to talk about my experience with those around me more, and hopefully in some way they can understand it and the fact that my process and progress is a journey that looks different as time progresses with steps forward and steps back.
      Thank you so much for very kindly sharing your experience and insights. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

  25. Both my grandfather’s died before Christmas, one 4 days before and other 10 days before. Holidays are hard. Grief is not linear, nor do the 5 stages follow on in a logical way. There is also no ‘right’ length of time to grieve, it takes as long as it takes. There is nothing shameful about grief or depression. ❤️

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience with grief and I am very sorry to hear of the loss of both of your grandfathers. You are right that there is nothing shameful about grief and depression, which is why I ultimately came to decide to post this blog. There have been times when I have written about things like this but not posted. I appreciate your reassurance and insights and I hope you are having a fantastic weekend.

      1. Thank you. I think that writing like your post that comes from the heart always shows and strikes a chord with all of us. Have a good weekend and I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts.

  26. I’ve found grief can repeat itself more than once, especially during the holidays when we miss our loved ones the most. Grief is part of the healing process where one sorts through the memories from the past. I know those we lost would want us to go on with our lives and that they will always be in our heart. Take it one step at a time and you’ll get through it. 💛

    1. Thank you for sharing your insights and wisdom. The holidays are tough, but I suppose I should expect that grief may come up then. It is the random triggers that I find more challenging to navigate, but looking for the lessons and healing from those experiences, and in all of that the happy memories which can be such a comfort.
      I hope you are well!

  27. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with grief, it’s not easy. I’ve lost so many loved ones, but it’s my Dad that I miss the most, it’s been 24 years that he’s been gone, half my life, and his physical absence still hurts. But he is always in my heart, the memories give me comfort, and I hope that you find a way to get through the difficult days.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am sorry to hear of your loved ones that you have lost. I am finding the loss of parents to be trickier than the grief for others I have lost. I suppose it is because those connections are so powerful and I feel more own mortality more. I am trying to take that as a reminder to make the most of the time I still have here and the relationships and people in my life. I hope you are having a great weekend so far.

  28. Thank you for sharing. I am touched by your journey. I am also going through a hard time… but I have the assurance that life is strongger than all…! It will remain scars but they will be the jewels of my beautiful journey…like your beautiful vase 😊… God is faithful
    Thank you and stayed blessed

  29. The memory will always be there but with time your grief will give way to pleasing memories of the your past with them. My parents in-law are late, something happened last season to bring tears to my eyes, and I thought that if they were there, they would be dong this or that, yet it had been over ten they both passed. It’s human for us to feel that way. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or feel you’re not doing the right thing. It’s a feeling, sometimes it’s hard and hurtful to suppress your feelings. So you let yourself feel it for a short while then brace yourself and mingle with the living – those you see around. They’re the ones that gets your mind off your grief.

    1. Thanks so much for your very wise words and advice Florence. It means a lot that you would take the time to comment and share your story and experience with me. I am checking into where my shame from grief comes and I think in part it was being taught as a child to not express difficult feelings because it was not appropriate in the company of others. I don’t believe this any more, so I am sorting out how to find the right balance for me now. It is part of my journey of shedding off old beliefs and finding out what serves me best and the balanced of approach of giving space to feel the emotions and then being around people is where I am shifting to. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

  30. I believe that everybody that has lost anybody they truly love, will always find a moment when you least expect it to see that moment or special occassion when they reveal themselves to you again in an experience. It is part of the sacrifice we make for giving our hearts to people. I have just started Blogging about my story and there are moments the tears flow freely as I release the words and remember the joy of knowing that moment or having made the memory.

    1. Thank you Sean for sharing your insights and experiences. I do think part of the price of love sometimes is pain and challenges, because those things are part of life. It is wonderful we are always blessed with precious memories to carry with us through those difficult times. I look forward to reading more about your experiences on your blog. It looks like you have had many interesting adventures! I hope you are having a great weekend!

    1. Thank you Alissa! Every Christmas I make my grandma’s favourite cookie recipe and both the cookies and thoughts of her make me smile. Grandparents are so dear and special. Hope your weekend has been great!

    1. Thank you for your kind wishes and comments! Wishing you much peace and blessings as well 😉

  31. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And it will probably blindside you now and then for the rest of your life. I still have both my parents so I cannot reply to that specific loss. A few years ago my Sister in Law died of lung cancer. Over the years she became the sister I never had. I will always miss her.

    1. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment and for sharing your personal experience. I think every loss is a little different. I try to focus on how blessed I am to have had people I have loved but are gone in my life. It sounds like your sister in law was a big blessing in your life. I hope you are having a good weekend.

    1. I find I have good days and bad, but today is a good day. Wishing you all the best and hope your day is good too!

  32. Lovely reflection on tough feelings. It’s not linear at all. I think you’re doing just fine ❤

    1. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I suppose when you really stop to think about it, nothing in life is really linear. I hope you are having a great weekend so far.

  33. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I relate as I lost my father six years ago next month (end of February). The holidays are difficult for me as our family is fractured, and all the loving,wonderful moments were spent with people no longer on this earth. Mom and I often reminisce as she misses family long gone, too. Holidays are in our hearts, and I despise the commercialism thrown upon us. Halloween candy is in stores at the end of August; Christmas cards and decorations make their appearances mid-October. This is part of the reason I am glad they’re over for this year.

    1. The commercialism is really out of control. We were in a store yesterday and they have finally taken down all the Christmas stuff and already have Valentines Day, Easter and gardening stuff in stock.
      I am sorry to hear of your loss and these situations are made even more difficult when a family is fractured. It is wonderful that you and your mom have each other for the holidays and all we can do is keep those who have passed alive in our hearts and make peace with what we can. Sending you wishes for a wonderful weekend.

  34. I’m sorry for your loss.
    This was my second holiday season with both my parents gone. It still got to me. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you or how you’re doing. Grief pops up at random times and with varying degrees of intensity. Just last week, I lost it pretty bad when I heard Zoe Jane by Staind–it always makes me think of my dad who has been gone for 8 years.
    The one thing people get wrong about grief is that it gets easier with time. What gets easier–faster–is recovering from bouts of grief/pain.

  35. Thanks for sharing your experience.
    I also identified with you, not only because I lost some of my loved ones who left this level before me, if not also due to many traumatic experiences, such as the experience of the friend who had to move to a different region after her divorce loosing contact with her children.
    We all need to process those experiences, therefore, grieving is necessary and resilience is a gift.
    Don’t you think?

    1. I completely agree. Grief certainly does help build resilience and that helps us move through the world with more ease and grace. I appreciate you sharing your experience too, because in that sharing people learn they are not alone in such experiences and trauma and I think that is very helpful and meaningful as part of the healing process. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and i hope you are having an amazing weekend!

  36. My mother-in-law was an exceptional woman. She is the yardstick I use to measure myself. What would Lillian do? It’s been 24 years since she passed, and I still get teary thinking of her. And then I smile and think I was so blessed and grateful to have loved, and been loved by, such a remarkable woman.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story and experience. It sounds like your MIL was an incredible woman and mother. It is wonderful to find someone who is an inspiration and helps us become the person we want to be. She must have been quite the amazing human being to continue to inspire you. That is so very beautiful. Keep smiling and I hope you have a wonderful weekend !!!

  37. There is no schedule to this – not only are we different as individuals, but each grief we go through will have its own personality. There is no right or wrong – just dealing.
    Wishing you well on your journey…

  38. How fortunate you are to have such a following! Sorry, I was mesmerized by all the scrolling down it too to get here. Re’ your question: how do you deal with grief? As with all emotions, I’m learning to experience them and allow them to pass through me instead of closing the gate (heart), trying to be in control. Re-reading The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer helps. Best wishes! I’m available if you need a good listener.

  39. I’m so sorry you went through this. I relate. I was not able to spend Christmas with my mom who has cancer due to a huge argument with my dad who told me to stay away around 3 months prior. I also went through a break-up around that time. At one point I realized I’d been crying daily for long periods for 3 months and that I must be depressed. I’ve had short term depression in the past, but this was horrible – always on the verge of balling my head off. My dad and I have since made up and I’m ‘allowed’ to see my mother now so the depression has eased, but before we made up, I was able to feel better by focusing on the now and appreciating what was in front of me. Anyway, I hope your depression has eased and if it hasn’t, I’m sure it will soon since it is a phase.

  40. First, thanks for liking my short story. It got me to look at your blog again. Haven’t done that in a while.
    Second, I think you are perfectly normal. My mom died shortly before Christmas in 1983. That’s a long time ago. But I always think of her and especially around the holidays. I will always miss her. Her absence is like a hole in my heart.
    For a long time after her death, I would cry at the drop of a hat. I’d see a mom and daughter in the mall or the grocery store and I had to leave because the pain was so great. Eventually, I got over that phase of it and it was a huge relief. Now when I see people with their parents, I just think how lucky they are to still have them in their lives and I am happy for them.
    Everything gets better with time. Everything.

  41. Everyone’s grieving process is different.

    My parents both died almost 40 years ago and every now and then I’ll suddenly feel their absence acutely.

    Someone once described grief as love that has nowhere to go; this makes the most sense to me.

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